5 Easy Ways to Alienate People and Screw-up your Life with your Smartphone

Move over dogs, Smartphone’s are officially man’s new best friend. Smartphone’s are not only there for you when you need them, they also provide countless hours of mind-numbing entertainment via their pointless apps. But, are you giving enough attention to your digital companion? There are 5 critical steps to sealing the matrimonial tie with your smartphone; starting with alienating then eliminating all the frivolous people in your life.

1. Look at your Smartphone First Thing in the Morning

Yawn. Scratch yourself. Check your iPhone.

If this sounds like your morning routine then you are well on your way to alienating people and screwing your life up. Studies have shown that people who look at their smartphone first thing in the morning are wiring themselves for stress for the day and beginning their daylong process of self-distraction and alienation. This initial interaction will ensure that your day remains fully committed to your phone and that you will ignore distracting elements like family and driving.

2. Look at your Smartphone Periodically at Work

For those making a conscious effort to be as unproductive at work as possible, check your phone every 5-7 minutes. While some would say there is no point of looking at your phone without taking action, YOU are committed to your slacking time-wasting philosophy. Kudos.

This is an incredibly successfully strategy to distract and delay you from the next mind-numbing work-related task, and is best when used in combination with some sort of email-based alert.

3. Leave your Smartphone on During Meetings, Dinners and Social Gatherings

This tactic is perfect for alienating those around you; especially if you employ a specifically irritating ring tone. Preferably something overplayed from Justin Bieber. If you are not the only person in the meeting or dinner with their cell phone turned on then try crank up the volume while you play Crazy Birds; remember, you are not to be upstaged.

This strategy is a double-whammy, it not only distracts you it will also distract everyone else in the vicinity.

4. Check your Smartphone Immediately Before Bed

Yawn. Check your phone. Go to bed.

This is the perfect distraction before bedtime as this habit keeps on giving; it will not only give you your ‘fix’ but will also give you something to ponder over as you fitfully toss and turn. Don’t worry about your significant other, they will appreciate your last ditch effort to sew your crops on Farmville.

5. Answer your Smartphone’s every Beck and Call

Your smartphone is not only a vibrating companion it can also serve as a valuable distraction during dull dinners and social gatherings. Personal attention is an overrated social convention anyhow. Every tick, bing and whir from your electronic life mate is worth your undivided attention; your family, friends and colleagues will be there forever but your smartphone has a shelf life.