How to Win Friends and Influence People

A book I have read quite a few times, would re-read, and recommend to others. How to Win Friends and Influence People is a 1936 self-help book written by Dale Carnegie.¹ One of the core ideas in the book is that it is possible to change other people’s behavior by changing one’s behavior towards them.

The book is a classic. Yet, most of the writings in it are timeless and will remain relevant through the ages.

Of course, there are critics. How you absorb the writings and make up a better version of yourself is your own.

Summary

• If you want others to like you, don’t criticize them.
• If you want others to do you favors, show your appreciation frequently and make them feel important.
• If you want to make a good first impression, smile.
• A person’s name is the sweetest sound they know.
• If you want to be interesting yourself, be a good listener who is genuinely interested in others.
• Think about what others want and talk about what’s important to them.
• Avoid all arguments – they cannot be won.
• Never tell others they are wrong; they will only resent you.
• Whenever you’re wrong yourself, admit it right away.
• To be convincing, start in a friendly way and get others to say “yes” as often as possible.
• To change others, start with praise and lavish them with more continuously.
• When drawing attention to mistakes, do so indirectly and speak of your own errors first.

The book has four major sections.

1. Fundamental Techniques in Handling People.

1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

2. Six Ways to Make People Like You.

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

3. Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking.

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong.”
3. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

4. Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise every improvement.
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest.